Mean Yob's ramblings - Issues 21 to 24
By Daz Calvert - 24 May, 2010
Mean Yob's letter page became a regular feature in later issues of Mean Machines. It was the place where adolescent 13 year olds (such as myself) could write in to the magazine with questions with as much integrity as the average YouTube comment and expect to get a dressing down from the much loved, yet vicious Mean Machines mascot.
Of course now we all know that Mean Yob was indeed none other than Julian Jazza Rignall, allowing him to say the things he really wanted to, but couldn’t as Jaz. It’s amazing to think that EMAP let him get away with writing stuff like this, but perhaps that just shows us how painfully politically correct we have become in the new millennium. As such these ramblings are like a breath of fresh air.
We've worked backwards to bring you Mean Yobs ramblings from issues 21-24. You can expect to see Yob’s handiwork from earlier issues over the next few weeks or months, well whenever we can be bothered really!
IT'S A LONG WORD THAT IS: "Sharp-eyed is not the word for it. Palaminiocscopic is." (MM, Iss.22, p.26).
A COMPLETE THICKY WRITES: "You'd better start smacking yourself in the face with a large haddock, because it WAS an artist's impression - it was drawn up on a computer. Doh! MEAN MACHINES issue 1 sold around 28,000 copies. By issue 5 we were selling around 50,000 copies. These days we sell around 110,000 copies per issue - that means (because you're obviously too stupid to work it out for yourself) that there are now 60,000 MEAN MACHINES readers who never saw any of those issues. James O'Connel, you are so thick if you found a dog turd on the floor you'd eat it because you'd think it was a Mars bar." (MM, Iss.21, p.26-27).
MORE DRIVEL: "It's definitely one of those months, isn't it. All I've had so far is letters from idiots, morons and twerps, and now we've sunk even lower with this mindless drivel. Have people lost the art of decent letterwriting? Has anyone got anything interesting to say?" (MM, Iss.21, p.27).
ON THE ROCKS ALREADY!: "Hmmm. Well, if your girlfriend is that tight, leave her." (MM, Iss.21, p.27-28).
WOW! SOMEONE INTELLIGENT!: "What you say is true. And I do insult people who are complete pillocks, and those who aren't, such as yourself, remain unscathed. Should someone send in the best letter of the month and want a Super NES instead of £150.00 worth of software, I'd be more than happy to send them one." (MM, Iss.21, p.28).
A BORED(ING) SCHOOLGIRL WRITES: "To think, your parents are spending a fortune each term sending you to boarding school, and all the school can give you in the way of videogaming-related entertainment is BBC's and Tandons. That's a disgusting indictment of education today. Write to That's Life immediately and make sure your school's board is publicly flogged for their sins." (MM, Iss.22, p.28-29).
PC PRAT: "Yeah, but have you seen Monkey Island 2 on a feeble card? it's cerrrrrrrrap. And another thing. how much did your PC with VGA cost? £750.00 or more I'll bet! How much is a Super NES? An awful lot less, that's for sure. Get lost and go and read all those really exciting PC magazines." (MM, Iss.22, p.29-30).
A MASTER DEBATE: "We cover all the Master System releases - can we help it if Sega don't release any games? No, of course we can't. So shove off and pull yourselves a couple of hand shandies." (MM, Iss.23, p.26).
MADMAN: "You'll have to wriggle out of your straight jacket and escape from your padded cell first, yeast pants." (MM, Iss.23, p.26).
A HAPPY GAMESMASTER FAN: "But even though you've been mercilessly ripped off, I bet you still love Dominik "games guru of the 90's" Diamond more than ever 'cos he's the tops." (MM, Iss.23, p.27).
THE BUYER BEWARE: "Actually, you're wrong about Ultimate. Yes, they did produce some totally fantastic games, but what about the Imhotep, Dragonskulle, Outlaws and Blackwyche? All festering scabs on the backside of computer gaming. Everyone makes cock-ups now and then - even the most consistent software companies. That's why magazines like ours exist to make sure you don't buy "blind" and end up tiddling your cash down the pan." (MM, Iss.23, p.27).
ERUPTIONS AND SPOUTINGS: "The arguments that computers are bad for you go back years, and are usually generated by sad nerds who suffer from technofear. Detailed reports have been compiled in the States by the US government about the subject and they reveal that the playing of computer games is not harmful - in fact there are some benefits. Obviously, if you stayed upstairs playing games all day and every day, that would be a bad thing. Just like if you stayed in your room listening to music all the time. Just manage your time properly, make sure you do your homework and then no-one could possibly complain." (MM, Iss.23, p.27).
CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!: "Well all those concerned have had the cumberland sausage and red cabbage treatment and are now currently in the toilets sorting themselves out." (MM, Iss.23, p.28).
TERMINATOR QUERY: "What was seen on Gamesmaster was a very early demo that was tons harder than the final version of the game. Really it shouldn't have been reviewed because it was far from finished, but Rad had no choice in the matter. When the finished game finally came into the office for review, we were shocked by its crapness and the fact that it was far too easy to complete. The review we did reflected that and its other shortcomings." (MM, Iss.23, p.29).
C'EST FRANCAIS: "We actually license the magazine to a French publishing company, who translate it into their language. So there's no iffy business going on - it's all part and parcel of United Europe 1992 and all that." (MM, Iss.23, p.29).
A FULLY ACTIVE GIRLIE: "Whoever that person was is hopelessly ill-informed and completely and utterly wrong. She should be dunked head first into a bucket of sloppy poo, stripped naked and paraded through her home town with pictures of Perry Como's covering her rude bits." (MM, Iss.23, p.30).
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY: "You're filling your pants with rusty water. And all for nothing." (MM, Iss.23, p.30).
OOH-AHH SPANGLER: "I think the ads we had a couple of months ago featuring women in scabby underwear holding a range of consoles were well out of order. Talk about turning back the image of the industry about ten years!" (MM, Iss.24, p.23).
SAD ANTIPODEAN: "So that's Australian humour is it. Well, what a sophisticated nation you are. By reading your gentle sophisticated prose, you'd never guess you are descended from a scabrous bunch of cheap, in-bred criminals." (MM, Iss.24, p.23).
NCURABLE JAZITIS: "Send him down to St Waynes Hospital for the Anally Retentive and tell him to ask Bernie "No Vaseline" Brown for the "rubber glove treatment". He'll soon be sorted out." (MM, Iss.24, p.23).
ZZZZZZ: "Well, take that advice and stuff it up your rectum, you skinflint." (MM, Iss.24, p.24).
PILLOCK ON THE HILLOCK: "What a shining wit you are. Or should that be whining s... (snip! Jaz)." (MM, Iss.24, p.24).
BORING! BORING! BORING!: "Now try telling me that PC owners aren't the most boring prats in the world" (MM, Iss.24, p.24).
CAPTAIN CLUELESS: "Yawn! Review percentages are all relative. Ten years ago a VCS game that got 90% wouldn't get that mark now, would it? As games age, their value drops - a 90% game reviewed two years ago would be unlikely to score that nowadays. We judge games in the here and now. How else could we review games you stupid git?" (MM, Iss. 24, p.25).
DAS SAD ADS: "First of all, the adverts aren't anything to do with the editorial team - the perverted ad team get them. As I've already said, I thought they were well out of order, and I don't think you'll be seeing them again." (MM, Iss. 24, p.25).
A POET HE AIN'T: "What's the point, you non-entity." (MM, Iss.24, p.25).
CHIEF OF ALL THE STUPIDS: "Why don't you elect yourself as Chief of this vast thickie army. You're obviously the most well qualified to lead them all." (MM, Iss. 24, p.25).
Thanks to JamieO for taking the time to type up Yob’s ramblings.